Parenting Pitfalls:  Discipline

PARENTING PITFALLS: DISCIPLINE
 
We looked at the biblical picture of Jacob as a passive parent.  Over the next few weeks, I want us to look at some areas where passive parenting tends to reign.  The first area is discipline.  We tend to be passive with discipline.  Particularly, in the early years, where discipline is actually most needed.  I understand that there are differences of opinion on how to discipline a child—some think it is fine to spank a child, others think it is best to use things like time-out.  I read about a guy who is the father of four teenagers and his vote was for nun chucks  (just joking).  The question isn’t how you discipline as much as that you consistently discipline.
 
Last year I read about a mother who went to a family therapist over her 13 year old son who was rebelling in every way imaginable. Out till 2 in the morning, in trouble at school, her son was on a one way course to self-destruction.  The therapist asked if she could remember when it all started and she could. It went back to when her son was less than three years old.  She carried him into his room one night and put him in his crib, and he spit in her face.  She told him not to do that, but he did it again.  So she wiped her face off and tried to explain again, but then he spit on her face a third time.  She didn’t know what to do, so she just left him there and ran out of the room. He spat on the back of the door as she left.  She said that she never had the upper hand with her child after that night.  No wonder.
 
Notice what the bible says.  “if you refuse to discipline your son, it proves you don’t love him; for if you love him you will be prompt to punish him.” Pro. 13:24 (LB)… “Discipline your son in the early years while there is hope.  If you don’t you will ruin his life.” Pro. 19: 18 (LB)… “Don’t hesitate to discipline a child.  A good spanking won’t kill him.  As a matter of fact, it may save his life” Pro. 23: 13 (GN)
 
So how do you know when to discipline a child?  When do you know when not to be passive?  I heard James Dobson make this statement years ago, and I think he is completely right.  You know to discipline a child when it is willful disobedience.  Willful disobedience is rebellion.  It’s when you tell your child to do something, and they look you in the eye and say, “no.” That is a slap in the face of your authority.  They want a reaction, they are challenging you and when that happens, don’t disappoint them.
 
When I was a child, I came home one day from school and as I walked in the door, my mom reminded me of several things I needed to do around the house that I had not done.  So as she was reminding me, I was walking down the hallway away from my mother and I said something which I thought was quietly to myself, “Aw, be quiet.  I’ll do it whenever I want.” First mistake.  What I did not know was that my Father was at the end of the hallway and he heard everything I said.  Second mistake.  He immediately got in my grill and reminded me that I was to never talk to my mother that way and I got a spanking.  Sorry if that offends anyone, but that is what happened.  And I deserved and I knew why I deserved it.  And I don’t think I ever talked that way to my mother again.
 
There are more subtle ways of willful disobedience but it is unmistakably disrespect.  It can be storming out of a room.  Taking a particular tone of voice.  Using a certain body language.  While parents should be quick to discipline willful disobedience but don’t come down to hard on childish irresponsibility.  Childish irresponsibility is just that—childish irresponsibility.  It is a reflection of their immaturity, their age, their lack of development.  It is not so much rebellion as being young.  It’s leaving their bike out in the rain, its running wild around the house, its leaving messes wherever they go, its forgetting to tie their shoes.
 
It seems that some families can intellectually grasp the difference between willful disobedience and childish irresponsibility—they just don’t seem to know how to implement it.  They end up with being way too concerned with appearances—constantly telling them to sit down, be still, put that down, be quiet.  But then, when willful disobedience shows up, it just does not register.  They will tell their kids to do something, and the kid will ignore them, blow them off, tell them “no, I don’t want to,” and I am cringing expecting the parents to not disappoint their child’s challenge but it is like they don’t even hear it.
 
So if we really love our kids and want the best for them, we will hear it and respond to it.  It is called discipline with love.
 
Pastor Scott